Let It Be Said, "Dr. Tobias Nightshade's Horror Survival Guide Pt.1"

Greetings, readers! My name is Dr. Tobias Nightshade! Yes, THE Dr. Tobias Nightshade, locally renowned occultist, paranormal investigator, and master of all matters pertaining to the dark arts, as well as part time web master for my personal fan site, www.docnightshade.com. After spending countless hours in my personal library, conveniently located in my mother’s basement, and studying many factual films and Fangoria magazines, I have compiled the ultimate encyclopedia of things that go bump in the night, solely for your protection and well being. In conjunction with my dear friends at The Green Is Not Light, I proudly present to you in part, selections from: “Dr. Tobias Nightshade’s Horror Survival Guide”!...Awooo!!!

Wolf Man: Also known as the “lycanthrope” from the Greek word “locos”, which probably means: “wolf”; I think I’m pretty sure from what I remember from high school. During the full moon, the pour soul cursed with this curse is cursed to turn into a terrible beast that is part wolf and part man. Now when I say turn, I mean transform as in like fangs and claws and fur, not turning into a terrible beast like my Uncle Randy does after one too many Pabst Blue Ribbons during the holidays at the Nightshade homestead. Also, for some random reason, they die if attacked with anything made out of silver. Uncle Randy just got angry when I started throwing the silverware at him during dinner. Nonetheless, the best defense against a raging Wolf Man charging at you, ready to rip out your throat or pull down your pants and tell you to close your eyes, is to kick him in the “nards”. Yes, I said (or rather wrote): Kick. Him. In. The. Nards. Contrary to many years of debate and discussion, the 1986 film “Monster Squad” (which was based on a true story), proved that the Wolf Man does in fact have testicles or “nards” if you will. Then, you should probably run. Run really, really far away.

Draculas: (Note: I summarize both Dracula and common vampires together since they’re pretty much the same. Also, I killed Dracula. I think I did.) Mythological creatures known for being able to only walk amongst the living under the moon’s glow; that means they only come out at night. They are also known for surviving on the blood sucked from their victims’ necks by using their long vampire-like fangs. Vampires usually dress in black, are pale, moody, and can be found congregating in Transylvania, the annual Fangoria Horror Convention, Brooklyn, Pennsylvania, and various Hot Topic clothing stores. Now, “the best defense is a good offense” as my father, Mr. Nightshade, used to tell me. He also used to tell me to stop calling him “Mr. Nightshade” because the name on the check he brought home from working at the plant to pay for that cloak I was wearing at the time sure as hell didn’t say “Nightshade”, it said “Palmer”. Nonetheless, you can disarm a vampire with a piece of garlic bread or pizza. Then, when they are burning in pain, stab them through the heart with a pointed stake. Finally, flee before the cops arrive, but only after you realize that you just stabbed a pasty faced teenage Goth to death in front of a mall full of people.

Mummies: The dusty, brittle mummified remains of ancient Egyptian royalty. However, despite their apparent lack of actually being alive, they are immortal. Mummies lay in wait in their esophagi until someone comes into their tombs looking to take their stuff. Then, they spring up and start yelling and try to get at you. Mummies are also really slow and really gross -like your grandparents. Nana Nightshade was just like a mummy in that she too was really slow and really gross and whenever I thought that she was sleeping (or dead; no one could hardly tell, but that’s another story), I would sneak into her room to swipe quarters from her purse, but she would jump up and start screaming about “Richard Nixon” and “apple picking” and I would run out of the room screaming. I wasn’t fond of Nana Nightshade. Where was I? Oh yeah, just get what you wanted to steal and outrun the mummy, but you could also have some fun in spinning them around by their cloth. I spun Nana Nightshade once and she fell down the stairs and broke her hip. After that, they took her away to live with other mummies in the mummy nursing home.

Next Edition: Cenobites, Count Pope-ula, Possessed Neighborhood Children, and the “Macho Man” Randy Savage